Archives for "November, 2008"
r-l-w-c: all wrapped up in a big black and white bow
Pic: Steve Christo
The Rugby League World Cup is officially over. The final’s been decided. The boys are all back home either being lauded by the public or eating Easy Mac n Cheese to ease their disappointment. You can decide for yourselves who is doing what.
They’ve given out the trophy and all the participation certificates for the players’ mums to put on the fridge. Almost time to put on your Peter Wynn’s Rugby League pyjamas and go into footy hibernation for the summer. But first, one more r-l-w-c wrap-up. I warn you in advance that this one is going to be weird. I feel weird already. It’s not even the usual feeling funny in my pants, which is pretty much my default state and I’ve kinda gotten used to it.
For one thing: Australia Didn’t Win. The almost-unbackable favourites, the World Cup juggernauts, the team you love to hate … lost.
zomg I know! I can’t believe it either, eh!
Believe me kittens, I was as shocked as you were. Shocked and overjoyed. Just like Benji Marshall. I said last week I didn’t know who to cheer for, but after seeing the victorious Kiwis leap around like overjoyed schoolchildren I realise I was totally TEAM KIWI the whole time.
Pic: Steve Christo
My head said it didn’t know, but my heart was painted black and white for this game. What can I say? I think some part of me just loves seeing an underdog succeed.
I also love that the Kiwis celebrate by drinking beer shirtless. THAT’S HOW I CELEBRATE TOO! It’s why they won’t let me have my birthday in public venues anymore.
Is it possible that I also just enjoy seeing Queenslanders look disappointed? WELL MAYBE. AND IS THAT SO WRONG?
Clearly it’s not completely abnormal to take pleasure from other people’s misery. If it was, the Germans wouldn’t have bothered to make up a word for it, would they? Hmmmmm?
Don’t even try and tell me Queenslanders wouldn’t feel the same way if situations were reversed, and … you know, more than a handful of New South Welshmen were in the team. *cough*
And in case the whole 34-20 New Zealand win wasn’t surprising enough for you, I actually have stuff to say about FOOTBALL today. For serious. Not just about their hair (well maybe a little bit), or their uniforms, but stuff about what the boys do with the ball (heh, ball). Let’s get started before I sober up and change my mind.
FREE BILLY!
So I think we all know I’m not Billy Slater’s biggest cheerleader. I still hold a grudge against him for a variety of reasons, including but not limited to:
a) Accusing Flossy Nightingale of headbutting him;
b) His cheesy car ad;
c) Playing for the Storm (booo, hisssss);
and,
d) Being a dirty Queenslander.
Also, sometimes I just irrationally dislike public sporting figures. Obviously Billy, like Roger Federer and Karmichael Hunt, has never done anything to me personally. Nonetheless, I have Decided to dislike him. It’s my way.
But Billy is getting a bitch of a rap in the media at the moment, and I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT. Clearly my love of truth outweighs my Slater vendetta. I’m pretty much Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men.
Except, you know, without the stuff that came afterwards, like the booster shoes and the Scientology and the child-bride.
You see, according to the Herald, a “Billy Slater moment of madness” cost Australia the World Cup.
They mean, of course, that Slater threw a blind pass in from the sideline trying to run the ball back upfield, and it fell into the loving arms of Benji Marshall for a try. Benji’d been loitering around to Billy’s left instead of jumping back to defend against the oncoming Aussies … and I don’t know whether that makes Benji Marshall an excellent reader of the play, or just a bit of a fattie who was too tired to get back in defence, but either way it all ended badly.
And yes, it was a really stupid pass. If I didn’t kinda hate the Kangaroos I would have been frustrated to the point of heartbreak watching it, like I was when Jarryd ‘Baby’ Hayne did the same thing in Origin. NOOO BABY HAYNE, NOOOOO!
I totally just had a flashback then and bumped my head on the desk. That game was horrifying.
But you know what? That’s just Billy Slater doin what Billy Slater does, isn’t it?
…oh, he’s just bein’ Billy.*
Pic: Steve Christo
My theory is that if you want a safety-times conservatively-programmed early-days Darren Lockyer kinda fullback, you don’t pick Billy Slater.
Bitch is … a risk-taker. Some people might say ‘an arrogant little showpony’, but I am trying to be diplomatic. He likes setting up plays. And it seems like he likes dramatical individual plays more than anything.
Yes, he does things that might turn into massive fuck-ups, but most of the time they work. (This, of course, is also part of the reason I can’t stand him.)
So basically most of the time the people (cept the Oh Errol kids) love him. For every other game in the tournament, it has been a full-on Billy Slater soggy sao love-in. BILLY THE KID! FASTEST GUN IN THE WEST! BEST FULLBACK IN THE WORLD!
Bitches couldn’t get enough of him. Maybe that imagery was a little bit crude. But whatever. You know what I mean. Everyone was all over Billy Slater and It was really fucking annoying.
But now as soon as he gives away a try he’s reckless Billy the Kid who can’t defend and doesn’t deserve to be in the team. I might believe y’all about that if he hadn’t just received the player of the tournament award. Clearly no one thought he was doing so badly in all the other games the Aussies played.
He’s also Billy the Choker who can’t step up in big games (cf the Storm losing the Grand Final). And I would believe y’all about this if he hadn’t already helped set up two tries in the first half. It galls me to admit that, by the way.
Basically – I CALL BULLSHIT. Yeah he made a mistake, but bitch didn’t single-handedly lose the game.
Also, by the way, can I just say It’s only cute when I am irrational and change my mind and go from loving to hating a footy player in a matter of hours. People need to stop stealing my schtick. Being fickle and picking out scapegoats is my thing, bitches!
And that’s all I have to say about that. I feel all queasy. I CAN’T BELIEVE I STUCK UP FOR BILLY SLATER. Someone get the Dettol bath ready cause I need one … stat.
THERE’S NO ‘BLAME THE RANGA’ IN ‘TEAM’
Since I’m already busting Billy Slater out of media jail today, I’ve decided I’m takin’ Joel Mongahan with me. WHY DO PEOPLE ALWAYS BLAME THE RANGA?
Pic: Steve Christo
Ok, um, what exactly did Monas do wrong? He got a bad bounce, decided to go the professional foul, and the Kiwis got a penalty try. As opposed to … Hohaia justscoring the try? Which, incidentally, it totally looks like he would have, at least if you ask me and the video ref.
Call me crazy but I don’t see the difference. Maybe he moved the conversion to the center for an easier shot at the extra 2 points but two points weren’t gonna save the Kangaroos. In the end I think it comes down to lackluster defence. Lackluster defence from the Australian team, who seemed that way from the start of the game. Just kind of … surprised by how the NZ team played and on the whole pretty unfocussed. And every try the Kiwis scored chipped away at that a bit more, not just the ones that Monaghan or Slater were ‘responsible’ for.
It also seems vaguely arrogant when people try and pin the loss on one individual Aussie, as though the Kiwi’s couldn’t have won it, the Aussies had to lose. The Kiwis had so much passion, those kids deserved it.
And didn’t those bitches have hustle? Right up the middle of the field where the Aussies weren’t expecting it. I like to think they foxed the first snorefest of a game against Australia just so they could build up to this. I believe Wayne Bennett would be that crafty.
But whatevs. I think I’ve ranted enough. Let’s just say for both sides there’s a reason they call it a team sport. Also, the New Zealanders gave 110%, and took it one play at a time, and the best side won on the day. Or something.
Let’s also say to Ricky Stuart and his conspiracy theories just no. Really, honey, no. Let it go. There is a chapter in my etiquette book about losing World Cup finals and it specifically recommends against suggesting that there was a conspiracy against you. For reals.
And to Billy and Joel: if you’re feelin down, call me. Let’s go to the pub and you two can drown your sorrows and get blind and wave your fruity cocktails in the air for emphasis as you slur ‘THEY DON’T EVEN KNOW ME. THOSHE BITCHES DON’T KNOWWW ME.’
… AND NOW LET’S TALK ABOUT HAIR
It’ll be quick. I promise. All I really have to say is that Dave Williams is taking this ‘Wolfman’ image really, really seriously. Like woah. As in, I suspect someone has been watching X-Men and grooming their mutton chops to look like Hugh Jackman’s. And all that volume in the back of the hair … so Wolvy. Get it? WOLVERINE? You know it’s true.
Camera one … are you getting this?
Don’t worry Dave. Secretly, sometimes, we all pretend we’re movie stars.
What, so I’m not on mark? A little to the right you say?
Like sometimes I prance around the house when no one’s home imagining I’m Dolly Parton in the Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. True story.
And with that completely random confession, it’s goodbye World Cup. See ya in four years, bitches.
* Just by the way, if you were a Miley Cyrus fan you would find that HILARIOUS.
The trouble with England rugby league
So England had a rubbish tournament and were probably, actually no, they were the most dissapointing team of the world cup. Lucky to have been in the super group of pool A they managed to get to the semi finals having only won one game, narrowly, against Papau New Guinea.
Rugby League World Cup Final highlights
New Zealand win the world cup
r-l-w-c: enter the ranga
We have a new favourite journalist over at Errol. A proper journalist too! Not a *cough*journalist *cough* like us. Let me explain.
So we’ve mentioned before, many times, and in great detail, that we feel … awkward about the Australian World Cup team. ‘Awkward’ in the sense of ‘we don’t like them’. SORRY. WE JUST DON’T.
But even though we can’t cheer for them we still have our faves in the squad, and finally one of them is getting the recognition he deserves.
… people are really talking about me?
Pic: Steve Christo
Kyle Mackey-Laws … well first of all, Kyle Mackey-Laws has a freaking amazing name.
Kyle Mackey-Laws has also broken down the numbers to explain why Joel Monaghan is – as we suspected all along! HAH! – a legend.
If numbers are anything to go by, Canberra Raiders star Joel Monaghan is a certainty to live out a dream this week.
Monaghan has played in all four of the Kangaroos’ World Cup matches, and statistics released yesterday show he should be one of the first picked for Saturday’s final.
Monaghan has made the second most linebreaks behind Fiji’s Akuila Uate (10) with six, his four tries have him fifth on the try scoring list and he only trails teammate Paul Gallen (9) in offloads with eight.
We always knew Mona was the bidness. We endured the suspicious looks all through Australia’s first game against New Zealand as we yelled out GO RANGA, GOOOOO! across the footy stadium. We even nominated him in the Errol Awards. And now we have have mathematical proof of his awesome. YOU CAN’T ARGUE WITH NUMBERS.
If you are wondering, Kyle Mackey-Laws works for the Canberra Times. Not a national paper, the Canberra times. Seriously, are we the only people outside the ACT who appreciate Monaghan, aside from that little kid with the GO RANGA sign at the footy stadium?
Last week when our gorgeous publicist Marlo saw the Australian team at the Sydney airport and ducked over to accost Monghan and inform him that he is her favourite (he totally is), the rest of the Aussies responded with a chorus of ‘REALLY?’. That is so depressing.
It’s a travesty, in fact.
So if the Kangaboos take out the Kiwis this weekend in the World Cup grand final, at least our mans Monaghan will get a bit of the glory. It’s a small comfort.
Even though I can’t manage to muster up any excitement about this game, I am tres dedicated to you all, and I am going to put all my personal disdain aside to give you updates on the the two teams anyway. I’m even going to do it now, despite the fact that it’s after 12pm on a Friday, which means according to my schedule I should already have transferred my phone line to Lachie’s desk and be making Champagne punch in the kitchen. SEE WHAT I DO FOR YOU KITTENS?
The Aussies have taken a slightly unconventional approach – I think inspired byManly’s preparation for the NRL grand final – and rocked a little dance training:
One. Singular. Sensation.
A little Quiet Time:
And a little group bonding:
SCOTTY PRINCE JUST LOVES CUDDLES.
New Zealand have … ok I have no idea what they have been doing. Nothing interesting, I imagine, because they are New Zealanders. Is that offensive to Kiwis? It is, eh.
All I really need to know about their team is that Ruben Wiki mixes their Kava, because that is fantastic. It’s also true, because Manu Vatuvei told us so. I don’t believe a man with gold teeth would lie.
And so we lumber and faint into the end of the World Cup. Kangaroos vs Kiwis, Maroon enemies vs Trans-Tasman enemies.
May one of the teams win. Or neither. I don’t really care.
Aussie training pics: Getty Images